About a month ago I got an unexpected IM from someone who I hadn't talked to in ... wow, it's been over a year now. We discussed some stuff that had been happening and was still happening in the church when I left and now ... and I think I'm finally ready to talk about it. I'm not going to say who it was, because I don't know who still reads this. Frankly, I don't give two cents what you think about me, but I refuse to cause trouble for someone I still consider a friend because of my own issues. So ... here's it laid out, fairly simply.
Before I start: this is not to bash the church or say that they need to improve in area X or Y. This is simply what I went through, and what I talked to this person about. This is all about me. Get used to it, it's my favorite subject.
Around September of 2004 I started to get frustrated. I'm not entirely sure why, but a lot of it had to do with ... well, I'm getting ahead of myself. But I was seeing a lot of things in the church that I wasn't sure belonged there, and yet I didn't know who to talk to.
One example is the dogmatic stand the church took (and presumably still takes) on evolution and intelligent design. According to them, the earth is several thousand years old, nothing more. Logical fallacies aside, the very presumptuous nature of this decree, when they quite frankly weren't there and have no idea what happened, struck me as quite the opposite of something a Christian should be dealing in. Yes, I'm aware your world is black and white. Mine isn't. And frankly, if you don't know, why would you say so?
Beyond that, there's a huge issue with leadership. It's all very structured and hierarchical. X talks to Y, who talks to Z ... mentorship is great and all, but when you feel like you can't talk to many people beyond those who are in that little circle, there are problems. Here's part of the talk we had ...
X: "There was a lot of what was legalism ... and not only that but a lot of criticism of others' faith and spiritual growth. I tried to deflect it from my conscience but I wasn't being honest with myself. There were only about 2 others at LICOC I felt like I could TRULY confide in about such things."
D: "Yeah ... I missed you guys ... but I couldn't stay and be honest with myself."
X: "About the same things?"
D: "Sort of ... my relationship with God wasn't what it had been, I was questioning a lot of stuff, and I needed to take a break and reestablish why I came to Christ in the first place ... always about the questions, and I was feeling too comfortable."
X: "That was something that I had a major issue with as well. When people needed to take a minute and be real ... we said they weren't doing well spiritually. I mean just for not being set for life we said they were weak ... that is messed up and it isn't in the Bible.... I think the problem right now at LICOC is hierarchy and anyone who would even stop to question it is labeled as a church anarchist or unspiritual. I was really feeling like a rebel or an outcast ... and it reminded me of those who "fell away" for not coming to a service here or there, or dared to test the waters for too long."
D: "Yes ... I think that was a big part of it, too ... it was all so precisely ordered. If that makes sense."
X: "Yeah, I know man ... a lot of people see it and don't talk about it because their "mentor" will report them ... feels like walking on eggshells. The sad part is that the eggshells don't even exist. WE PUT THEM THERE!"
D: "Yeah ... but how do you know how you can talk to, without daring to try ... and then if you talk to the wrong person, suddenly you're trying to undermine the church or turn a weaker brother towards Satan.... I took the easy way out. I still feel like I let some people down."
X: "Well people either didn't understand what you felt or they were told what to think ... I felt the same way ... I was upset when you left, because I knew why you left. I did not even need to be told ... I saw you the last Wednesday there and you were falling asleep in the pew, and your countenance was like someone who felt like they didn't know who they could trust any more. I wanted to talk about it but didn't want to have someone ask me "what were you talking to him about?" After you left I tried calling you and talking with you but I was encouraged not to, and that really bothered me. I wanted to tell you I was starting to feel the same way."
D: "I think they meant well ... or were trying to. They were trying to give me space. But yeah, I could have used someone who understood."
X: "Well, it was the whole hierarchy approach they used. I wasn't "qualified" to talk to you because you might "infect" me. Well if someone speaks the truth, let them speak."
D: "I figured that would be why most people stayed away from me. But it's not truth to those who it's threatening, it's anathema."
So that was a large part of it, if you're still here and not absolutely bored. I guess I felt ... just stretched too thin. It's not a fun feeling. And really ... I looked at the leadership, and where I was expected to be, and all the expectations on me, and I just said screw it. I wasn't growing. I was regressing. And that doesn't do anyone any good, least of all me. I was doing the work, but it was empty of meaning. Like the conversation said -- I was falling asleep in the pew. Not a good sign. And really ... if it was that obvious that I had no idea who I could trust ... that's really not good.
I guess if I'm being very honest with myself, I was trying to give myself a reason to leave. I started wearing a hat pretty often that semester, both because I wanted to wear a hat, and well ... I guess one of my thoughts was, "If they give me issues over wearing a hat, I'm walking out." Like I was trying to give myself an excuse. Finally I just got over it and left.
Now I look at some of the people who "fell away" or walked away from the church, and it strikes me as very odd ... many or most of them were considered potential leaders. Put on the "fast track" as it were, asked to take on more responsibility for the church than any of us were really ready for, pushed too far too fast. The people who weren't are doing better than any of us, still happy in the church. Strange how that works. Of the people who were targeted as leaders, I don't think more than 10% of them are still there.
I don't know if any of this made sense. At this point I'm sort of looking around myself with eyes newly opened again, trying to discover once again what I believe. But I'm not limiting myself this time. I'm going to see how the world works and take it apart, and maybe when I've done that I'll figure out how to put it back together again. And then, if I get that far, maybe I'll be a little bit closer to understanding just what it means to be human ... and where life is going. And maybe where it's come from.
For those of you still here, there's an book I highly recommend. It's by Scott Adams, oddly enough, the author of Dilbert -- but it's not a comic book. It's called God's Debris and is a short story about ... well, maybe I'll let you find out on your own. It's available online, for free, in PDF format at http://www.dilbert.com. If you're interested in part of what I'm considering, take a look at it. And let me know what you think.
I'm not sure this post really covers half of why I left. But it's a start. Maybe I'll add to it as I go along.
-David
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